The Great Trust of Forty-One

New Year's resolutions don't do it for me. I'm not against resolving, it's just sort of arbitrary. I prefer to reflect on that stuff on my birthday.

(image from "Behavior of the lizard Corythophanes cristatus" by Delbert Dwight, 1953)

(image from "Behavior of the lizard Corythophanes cristatus" by Delbert Dwight, 1953)

Forty was good. I already like the forties better than the thirties. And the twenties? Seriously, who invented that train wreck?

I digress. Forty was excellent. Fun times, good work, etc. Pleased with my art and writing. Took some classes that enriched the hell out of me.

I feel like the last few years I've really gotten to understand how deeply my "self" (ego?) is entwined in almost everything I do. How many things it rules. But what to do about it? How to become more deliberate, more reflective, less hasty. It's not just a question of getting older and evolving, though I imagine that helps.

It's too easy for me to slip into a lizard brain reaction to anything that strikes me as unjust. Why? It doesn't matter why. What matters is how. Lizard brain works for some things in the life of an artist/educator, I guess. But I'm pretty sure it's not that helpful for most things. How can I learn to invoke it when it would be of use, and keep it quiet when not? This is the challenge.

Swimming will help. I did very well with that, but it fell by the wayside when things became overwhelming. Meditating will help. I also did very well with it, but it fell by the wayside when things became overwhelming. Lizard brain decides when it is overwhelmed, casts away things it sees as superfluous, things it never learned were vital.

Concrete things. I'd like to make a podcast. I'd like to pursue some of the marvelous collaborations that are appearing.

I will say "I trust you" more. (Even if only silently.) Not to convince myself because I am distrustful, but to remind myself that more than ever in my life, I am surrounded by people who are worthy of great trust. This takes some getting used to. I want to re-train my habits to fit my current dwelling reality. I think I can learn to enjoy it. That might be my great goal for forty-one.