Delaware

The One Rule

My Thanksgiving dinner creation was a success. The boy and I are watching a little football. We're all taking turns explaining to my father-in-law that this is his house, the car in the garage is his, and that he has lived here for eleven years. He is convinced that this can't be true because why in God's name would anyone choose to retire to Delaware. I agree, but keep my mouth shut.

Football continues. Dallas is losing, which is good, but Washington is winning, which is bad. Some hushed muttering echoes from the kitchen. My mother-in-law exits the kitchen, looking chipper, but in a forced way. All is quiet. My father-in-law checks to see if anyone has stolen the cars for the fifteenth time.

My lovely bride comes in, stands in front of the football game and glares. "There's only one rule, right? And what is it?"

"Don't listen to Dad?" my former son answers.

"Besides that," she corrects him. "The one rule is: don't EVER tell me what to do." We both sink deeper into the sofa, relieved and thankful that neither of us had broken this most obvious of rules. "It's really very simple!" She turns around and returns to the kitchen, where her own mother apparently made this grave error.

"This is my house?" comes a voice from a bedroom. "Yes, dear," comes the response.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

A Few More Days

Father-in-Law: Dear, I have a couple questions for you. When do we leave to go home?

Mother-in-Law: Dear, this is our home.

FIL: So we'll be staying here for a few more days.

MIL: We'll be staying here until we die.

Jen: That might be tomorrow.

A variation on this happens every ten minutes or so. For some reason, my mother-in-law goes out of her way to answer his questions in a way that confuses him even more. Mortgage details, back account and direct deposits. His eyes glaze over, and Jen gets so frustrated.

 

More Delaware Facts

FACT: All stores in Delaware are required by law to be outlets. Exceptions can be made for novelty t-shirt stores.

FACT: In Delaware, all televisions in a given household must be turned on, even if no one is watching them.

FACT: In Delaware, it's Local on the 8's.

FACT: Any land in Delaware steeper than a 3% grade must be paved.

FACT: Signage outside local businesses in Delaware must affirm that God has in fact blessed America.

Collection of Delaware Facts

FACT: Every surface in Delaware is covered in bird poop.

FACT: In Delaware, there is one doctor’s office per capita.

FACT: There are no trees in Delaware.

FACT: There is no sales tax in Delaware. Merchants are required to raise prices so that they are the same or higher than everywhere else.

FACT: In Delaware, everyone by law must read the entire menu out loud.

FACT: In Delaware, all car passengers over the age of 70 must give directions to the driver simultaneously.

FACT: Delaware birds are only able to build nests under bedroom windows.

FACT: In Delaware, it is not possible for anyone to stop talking for two goddamn minutes.