Stalling

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My recurring lament—I keep working the film and it keeps getting more complex before my eyes. Today I realized something. Rather, my wife explained something to me that I hadn't seen. I gave her thirty pages to read that I've been planning to shoot in June, but recently thought "maybe it's too soon, I should develop it more."

"You have to shoot this right now," she said. "You're stalling because you're afraid it won't be as good as what you wrote." True. And if I don't shoot it, it's all going to sit here inside me. Some of these elements have been in my notebooks for fifteen, sixteen years. I've got scenes that can get a driver's license, but I've been keeping them cooped up.

Thus my feelings on the whole piece changed. I had no idea when I'd complete it since it kept complicating itself, so I had assumed it was one of those weird projects that dogs you until you wear it down. But now I feel obsessed with just finishing it, because now I see that I wasn't wearing it down, it was wearing me down. 

Not just this section I'm shooting, but all of it. I feel like every day I keep working on it is truly bruising me. Now I just want it out of me so I can look at it. So, all deliberate speed. I can't say it'll be done quickly, but I won't be its accomplice in staying buried.