Remember the Talking Points

*rabble rabble rabble*

"All right, people. Let's come to order. It's the 150th anniversary of the temporary laying down of arms by General Lee to the Northern Aggressors. It's looking a little awkward for us. We've still got this damned president that we're not allowed to compare to a monkey without being called a racist, which is frankly pretty racist if you ask me."

*harumph! harrrUMPh!*

"And it's gotten so bad that even now, a decent police officer can't even execute suspects without TIME Magazine whining about it on the cover. Which is frankly pretty racist if you ask me."

*rabbleharrumph! remember when they tinted that OJ Simpson cover to make it more realistic? harrumph*

"So, as a former fraternity president I have come to an unfortunate conclusion."

*....?*

"We, as a people, have drifted off message."

*RABBLE RABBLE HARRUMPH OF ASSENT*

"Now, everybody, remember the talking points. Number one! The War of Northern Aggression was not fought over slavery. It was fought over...?"

*States' rights!*

"And chief among those right was...?"

*Self-determination!*

"And the great southern planters needed the federal government to get off their backs so that they could...?"

*Keep slaves!*

"Yeah. We're going to need to tweak that."