BREAKING: South Carolina legislators are debating a bill that will cut all state funding to the University of South Carolina in reponse to several assigned history textbooks that refer to enslaved African laborers prior to the War of Northern Aggression.
"There needs to be academic debate," said Rep. Larry Smits. "There's plenty of evidence out there that these workers were actually called 'Happy Helpers.' President Pastides needs to force these professors to teach the controversy and assign books that refer to plantation owners as what they were—job creators."
The bill is expected to fail on a technicality. During the debate it was revealed that there are no state funds to cut.
*one hour later*
OK, y'all. I did try to make this obviously satire. If only the real article linked at the bottom wasn't so crazy, the satire wouldn't seem so possible.