Fist Eggplant

While I was laid out with flu, I couldn't do much intelligent work. I played a lot of Wind Waker. Drank a lot of seltzer. And read a lot of social media. Like, a LOT. 

Now, I'm not some throwback who gets all smug and intones that <mr. mackey voice> Facebook and Twitter are bad, m'kay </mr. mackey voice>. I love the Facebooking, the Tooters, the Instagram. But it became clear to me that ingesting it all at highly increased volume was actually making me sicker.

I was reading comments, for chrissakes... on posts about religious strife! Sitting there reading the spewings of troglodytes with the ability to (sort of) type, I had the nerve to think "wow, these people are all idiots. There must be a lot of truly stupid people in the world." I tried Yik Yak just because I felt like I needed to internally understand what was going on there.

Over days, I became ever quicker to anger, slower to settle. Agitated. Dark. I had done the media equivalent of smoking an entire carton of cigarettes, and I could feel myself slipping into the kind of heart-blackening that I now understand to be what composes the soul of a chronic FoxNews watcher.

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Easy fix, though. First: fucking delete Yik Yak unless you're doing a study on it or have been struck by lightning a few times and are literally unable to read above a second-grade level. Second, move your social media pellet dispensers off the front page of your phone. I stuck them in a folder, which is one tap enough to make me think "do I want to do this, or am I hitting a button for an endorphin rush?" 

As you can see in the photo, I labeled that folder with the emojis for "fist" and "eggplant." They are the closest pictograms available for the "jerking off gesture" that I normally reserve for the troglodytes, one of whom I briefly became. (I was first made aware of this perfect emoji combination by one of my favorite blogs, John Gruber's Daring Fireball.)

Edit: to those of you who responded that I am already quick to anger— 1.) ok, this made me "quicker to anger" and 2.) I'm gonna cut you open and let you bleed out. Is that what you want?? Because that's how that happens!!